Bella Lasagne - Pawn in the Reign of Emperor Sam

Why is Bella Lasagne’s restaurant named Rivoli’s?

And why does Fireman Sam continue to let his young niece and nephew dine in her establishment when she’s constantly setting fire to it?  Rather than take his position in the local community seriously he prefers to wait for the inevitable accident to happen and then just lecture everyone afterwards.  Seems he’s just trying to keep the people of the village of Pontypandy within the iron grasp of Emperor Sam through fear and intimidation, they all know that if a fire occurs and only incompetent Elvis is there to save them then will surely perish.

So why is Bella’s restaurant named Rivoli’s?  I have a theory.

Emperor Sam in his bid for supreme power needed proof of the savage danger of fire, an icon, a victim.  Rivoli was the name of Lasagne’s late husband.  She lost him in a tragic firework accident, he’d bought a magnificent firework that lit the sky in the shape of a loveheart with which he intended  to surprise Lasagne.  He’d bought it from a man with a handlebar moustache and a habit of twirling it whilst muttering gleefully under his breath.  It was his gift to her on their fifth wedding anniversary, a token of his undying love.

He told her to go to the upstairs back window and look to the skies.  Patiently she looked into the night sky as her husband below lit the firework.  She patiently waited a bit longer.  Suddenly the garden below her exploded in ravenous flame, it streaked between the fences like napalm.  In the throws of wildest panic she dialled the emergency services, 999.

Elvis arrived minutes later and bravely fought the nonexistant flames in the cafe itself and dashed upstairs to get Bella out.  As he rushed back downstairs with Bella over his shoulder in the well rehearsed Fireman’s Lift, she screamed at him.

“My-a husband, he’s still-a outside in the fire!”

“Oh, bloody hell mun” panicked Elvis “Where’s Sam when you need him?”

Where indeed was Sam?  Visiting a sick Aunt?  On a well deserved holiday?  It mattered not where he was, rather where he wasn’t.  And he certainly wasn’t in Pontypandy.  He needed to prove he was indispensable.

When Sam arrived back in the village we can’t be sure what happened.  We can however assume that there was a conversation with Bella that went something along these lines:

“Oh Sam, it all happened-a so fast.  And Elvis, he-a… he-a tried, but he just couldn’t save him.”

“I know Bella, I know.”

“Oh Sam, I…”

“Hush now, Sam’s here now lovely.  You now know the dangers of knock off fireworks don’t you?”

“Yes-a.”

“Don’t worry, Sam’s not going to be leaving here again, I’ll make sure that nothing like this happens ever again.”

“”Oh Sam…”

“Shush now, at least one thing’s come out of this, you can start using your maiden name again.  I always did like the sound of it, such a pretty sing-songy name, Bella Lasagne.”

“Yes-a Sam…”

Presumably he then proceeded to take advantage of her in fragile state of mourning.  He probably cackled himself to sleep at night for weeks on end, his perfect scheme bestowing him complete power over the village.  Bastard.

things we didn’t know last year

Whilst bored this evening, having for the first time in my short history refused to go to the pub on a Friday evening, I came across the BBC’s excellent list of 100 things we didn’t know last year, which is compiled from the ten things we didn’t know last week. I know everyone’s sick of lists documenting the past 365 days but this one recieved many “OOooOOooHHhh! I didn’t know that”s (Say it outloud in your grandmother’s or crazy aunt’s voice, it’ll make more sense). I thought I’d pick out a couple that piqued my interest.

19. The = sign was invented by 16th Century Welsh mathematician Robert Recorde, who was fed up with writing “is equal to” in his equations. He chose the two lines because “noe 2 thynges can be moare equalle”.

Very interesting stuff indeed, but would you look at that! A Welsh Mathematician?! I honestly thought we were still running around with wild ginger hair hitting things with maces in the 16th century, but then I’m a moron who’s never opened a book in my life. Nice one, my taffy brethren.

29. When faced with danger, the octopus can wrap six of its legs around its head to disguise itself as a fallen coconut shell and escape by walking backwards on the other two legs, scientists discovered.

Surely that’s bullshit, I’m not the brightest spark in the fireworks box, but I wouldn’t mistake an octopus for a coconut, because they’re like, massive, aren’t they? So what could possibly harm one? A shark? A whale? I think these scientists are seriously underestimating the intelligence of sharks and whales here. Though there is the possibility that I have no idea how big an octopus is and am going on information recieved from crap horror movies.

57. The man who was the voice of one of the original Daleks, Roy Skelton, also did the voices for George and Zippy in Rainbow.

I had a geeky orgasm when I read that. A geeky orgasm differs from a normal orgasm in many ways, for instance, after a normal orgasm you’re likely to fulfilled and want to sleep whereas with a geek orgasm you’ll bounce around like a tit, claim to be inspired and then rush off to do nothing in particular. Another example, normals orgasms tend to occur when the penis is outside of your trousers, geek orgasms however, don’t. Onwards!

78. One in 18 people has a third nipple.

It means that I’m sensual, not that I fell out of craravan window at the tender age of 7. And that I have a big cock. And that I can smoke your arse when challenged to pistols at dawn. I’m a very well rounded bad ass.

94. Bill Gates does not have an iPod.

His broke too.

On a bit of a side street to the rest of this post, I found out they’re still producing Master Systems in Brazil, they’re called the Master System 3 and they come bundled with 74 games loaded into the console. Cash reward goes to anyone who helps me track one down, go forth my nerd-prize hunting hordes!