New Year Promises, New Year Lumps

In an effort to regulate my sleeping patterns and the order of my day, I’m trying to break myself into some good habits, which of course everyone’s always trying to do. But, I have a powerful weapon on my side, a tool of great power used for decades by self-congratulating self-help gurus. I have a list.

The list is the key to harnessing the power of our own guilt, look at those bulleted points there, each unaccomplished goal a sneering attack on your character, your own ambition mocking you in a booming voice, holding a knife to your throat and threatening to rape your self worth.

Ahem. So, yeah, a list, the same sort everyone makes at the beginning of the new year, full to the brim with hungover repentance and promises to the almighty Me of a better tomorrow. I have a slight advantage though, for starters it’s not New Year’s Day and I’m not hungover and I haven’t been hungover for a few days now. Which is where my list begins.

1. Drink less. Now listen up Davies as I’m only going to say this once, drinking every night no matter if it is just one or two jars, is totally unacceptable. You can feel your body working a whole lot smoother today after a few days off, can’t you? Right, there you are then. So, from now on you drink only a few times a week, and if you like you can go apeshit on those days, get so ballsed that you try to seduce streetlamps by crooning Lady in Red whilst wearing nothing but your mother’s underwear. Just have a couple of nights off a week so you can wake up in the morning and feel fresh, instead of being eaten inside out by the black hole of memory from the previous night.

2. Food. More of it. Better quality. I’m not succumbing to whims of Jamie Oliver here, but I truly think I was eating better in Comprehensive school, when the only crap they served was pizza comprising of 80% olive oil and sausages comprised of 40% expelled fellow pupils. At least 2 meals a day, at least one of which is lovingly crafted with your own hands. And no Davies, lifting the plastic film off the shit storm stroganoff, stirring it and putting it back in the microwave is not lovingly crafting it.

3. Books. Read at least 30 of them this year. You know all that time you spend constantly refreshing the pages of websites that only update twice a day? Well you can cut that right out now and go pick up book instead, you’ve got a pile of them to your right that you haven’t even touched yet, despite spending 2 quid on them and I will not have you wasting money young man. The 30 is just an arbitrary number and not that important, it’s just a goal to work towards, the important part is just getting some regular reading in. Before bed would be a good idea too, remember we discussed having a more regular routine earlier? Well this’ll help out with that.

4. Writing. Go back to all those half finished pieces and have a good crack at finishing them. Don’t criticise or over think them until you get to the end, that’s what redrafts are for. Don’t cut yourself down until you’ve finished. Get back to writing something everyday, write about how many tiny dead flies there are in the store room, write about the intricacies of clipping your toe nails, write about knocking one out to an episode of Thundercats. Write anything, you don’t even have to bother with sentences if you don’t fancy it, try just an endless stream of imaginary curse words, it’ll pick up your spirits if nothing else, you pansy ass fromelinger.

5. Exercise. Hmm, not so sure about this one. No in fact, sod that, I like my beer belly just the way it is, in fact this year I think I’ll attempt to join a heavier division. Right, so no exercise and more fags, got that?

There are more here on this bit of paper but I’m fed up of talking to myself in a condescending voice, I’d rather just get on with it now.

For the record, the growth in my armpit that has been expanding and contracting for the last 4 months has turn into a boil, complete with three massive puking yellow heads on it. Either that or a boil has grown over the top of it, there’s no way to be sure yet but I promise to keep you posted.

Update: Boil is popped and leaking like your momma’s minge when I saunter in wearing her negligee, suckers. Whether the boil is a seperate entity to the lump is still unknown.

Right then, let’s have some MF Doom and Tubeway Army to celebrate.

things we didn’t know last year

Whilst bored this evening, having for the first time in my short history refused to go to the pub on a Friday evening, I came across the BBC’s excellent list of 100 things we didn’t know last year, which is compiled from the ten things we didn’t know last week. I know everyone’s sick of lists documenting the past 365 days but this one recieved many “OOooOOooHHhh! I didn’t know that”s (Say it outloud in your grandmother’s or crazy aunt’s voice, it’ll make more sense). I thought I’d pick out a couple that piqued my interest.

19. The = sign was invented by 16th Century Welsh mathematician Robert Recorde, who was fed up with writing “is equal to” in his equations. He chose the two lines because “noe 2 thynges can be moare equalle”.

Very interesting stuff indeed, but would you look at that! A Welsh Mathematician?! I honestly thought we were still running around with wild ginger hair hitting things with maces in the 16th century, but then I’m a moron who’s never opened a book in my life. Nice one, my taffy brethren.

29. When faced with danger, the octopus can wrap six of its legs around its head to disguise itself as a fallen coconut shell and escape by walking backwards on the other two legs, scientists discovered.

Surely that’s bullshit, I’m not the brightest spark in the fireworks box, but I wouldn’t mistake an octopus for a coconut, because they’re like, massive, aren’t they? So what could possibly harm one? A shark? A whale? I think these scientists are seriously underestimating the intelligence of sharks and whales here. Though there is the possibility that I have no idea how big an octopus is and am going on information recieved from crap horror movies.

57. The man who was the voice of one of the original Daleks, Roy Skelton, also did the voices for George and Zippy in Rainbow.

I had a geeky orgasm when I read that. A geeky orgasm differs from a normal orgasm in many ways, for instance, after a normal orgasm you’re likely to fulfilled and want to sleep whereas with a geek orgasm you’ll bounce around like a tit, claim to be inspired and then rush off to do nothing in particular. Another example, normals orgasms tend to occur when the penis is outside of your trousers, geek orgasms however, don’t. Onwards!

78. One in 18 people has a third nipple.

It means that I’m sensual, not that I fell out of craravan window at the tender age of 7. And that I have a big cock. And that I can smoke your arse when challenged to pistols at dawn. I’m a very well rounded bad ass.

94. Bill Gates does not have an iPod.

His broke too.

On a bit of a side street to the rest of this post, I found out they’re still producing Master Systems in Brazil, they’re called the Master System 3 and they come bundled with 74 games loaded into the console. Cash reward goes to anyone who helps me track one down, go forth my nerd-prize hunting hordes!